April 21st, 2011 at 8:12 pm by Stupid Rubbish

This is a film about some massive spider monster octopus aliens that sh!t eggs into Mexican trees.

It’s great because right at the start you don’t know what the f*ck is going on at all. But then, as the film slowly unravels like a massive ball of crap… you realise that actually you don’t give a sh!t what is happening in the slightest because you just want to see the big spider bastard thing eat someone. And because the main characters are about as endearing as a train full of pissed Sunderland supporters.

Anyway.

So there are these two people and they have to get somewhere and there is a massive fenced off place where most of the disaster alien spider things live and they have to go through it, despite the fact that they spunked money on a boat and then got pissed.

sh!t characters.

They are pretty much the most annoying people in the whole f*cking history of people too. Because despite the fact that the whole world knows that alien spider-squid nob giants are on the loose, they insist on asking the DUMBEST f*cking questions I ever heard. All the time. Loads.

Here is a tip; If you are inside a massive compound where alien giant squids live and you hear a really weird, inhuman, giant monster-esque guttural noise. When you ask… “what was that?” – IT’S ONE OF THOSE f*ckING GIANT BASTARD ALIENS YOU KNOW HAVE LANDED ON THE WORLD YOU SPASTIC!

Here is a second tip; If you are inside a massive compound where alien giant squids live and you notice the people you have met up with have guns. When you ask… “why do they have guns?” – IT’S BECAUSE OF THOSE f*ckING GIANT BASTARD ALIENS YOU KNOW HAVE LANDED ON THE WORLD YOU PIG LICKER!

Idiots.

Anyway.

Too much shaky camera sh!t. The telly went funny a few times halfway through, not really the film’s fault though. But that’s no excuse to pretend you are Blair Witch or something you awful copying muff.

I had chicken pieces and BBQ sauce and they left the f*cking bacon off my pizza. Right off.

If this film was a day of the week it would be a Wednesday. And it would be a sh!t Wednesday that made you feel a bit sick and you probably wouldn’t go to work but there is NO way you would be able to summon up the energy for masturbation either. See?

Bye.

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