October 12th, 2011 at 8:49 pm by Stupid Rubbish

Sailors are quite gay right?

I mean just generally, thanks to Hollywood and all that sh!t. You know?

Hollywood.

Anyway, shush, I want to explain some things.

What I mean is that basically all that dancing about with little hats on and bell bottomed trousers is really quite gay. And in some ways I don’t think that’s a fair reflection on semen.

Seamen.

One hand you get the massive bell-bottomed gay stereotype and then on the other hand you get the rampant and erect dockside prostitute-rutter.

It’s all very confusing.

It must have been so much simpler in the long-lost historical past, when sailors were massive bearded stinkers who were 100% MAN. Albeit without the luxuries of vitamin C or teeth.

Real men.

But at least these days they don’t seem to regularly make-up ENORMOUS STUPID LIES to try and pretend they didn’t accidentally f*ck AN ANIMAL through feverish sexual desperation.

I mean these days sailors have the Internet, pornography, and of course: the Internet. Strategically combined with a boxing glove and a tube of Nivea Cream, this is an almost unstoppable solo-powered orgasm factory. You’d be thrupping the holy sh!t out of your personal jolly roger whilst swinging about relentlessly in your hot and fetid hammock bunk.

Or whatever.

But back then boxing gloves didn’t exist and Nivea Cream was illegal. Fact.

And THAT’S why they all made up that stupid f*cking obvious baby lie:

Mermaids.

Those sailors never saw any f*cking Mermaids, oh no, they just knew that they could make up any old sh!t to detract people from the horrible truth. They also knew that whatever they said, people would just factor in the drunken, sun-stroked f*ckers ‘missing home’ and automatically self-fabricate something romantic and ethereal to embellish the story.

They didn’t see Mermaids.

They didn’t even “mistake Manatees” for anything.

They simply had no boxing gloves, no Nivea Cream and no WOMEN, as if any woman would have allowed a sweating stinkbeard with no teeth to gruntpump her in the poopdeck any-f*cking-way.

They saw the only thing they could get close to without it f*cking right off at the sight of a hairy sailor running at them with a bulbous erection – a fat manatee.

They simply charged in like horny tw@ts and went all 80s porno on them before they even knew what they were doing.

Afterwards, in the quiet time, they sat with ashamed and irrelevantly swollen beards, looking at the floor, wondering what the f*cking HELL they just did.

THAT is when they started making up stories about Mermaids…

At the end of the day: Hollywood made sailors as Gay as f*cking hell, but sailors are REAL MEN and the proof of this is all those years ago when they routinely f*cked massive sea cows then told lies.

Historical fact.

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