May 11th, 2011 at 9:18 pm by Stupid Rubbish

This morning an idiot of a blackbird stupidly flew right into my massive face and mouth whilst I was going for a horrible run.

It made me jump almost to the point of involuntary faecal action which would, to be fair, have taken the edge off of my morning exercise in some significant ways. Mostly because it would have involved me being out in public, obviously covered in my own stinking bottom sh!t. See?

But it got me thinking…

What would I have done if I had accidentally sh!t myself?

At the time of the Kamikaze feather f*cker I was running by the sea – so my first thought was that I would simply jump into the brilliant water and wash myself in the anus, before running home wet but clean.

But what if I had been away from my beloved ocean water?

A really good friend of mine once had a bottom accident on a night out.

A bizarre event because we had been drinking since roughly midday due to the fact that he had just had his actual wife leave him and he was particularly in need of that special kind of destructive tw@t bonding that only f*cking idiot men can offer each other in times of great w@nk.

We were absolutely monumentally smashed.

We had been talking in such earnest, so much affection was flowing between our barely separated brotherly foreheads as we put his tiny world to rights, when he suddenly turned to me with these haunted, soulful eyes and an expression of sheer pain and remorse and said…


“What it is mate?” I said, putting my hand on his shoulder lovingly.

He said, his eyes falling to the table…….

“I’ve sh!t myself”.

There was a moments pause, before I patted his shoulder hard and nodded.

“Let’s go to another pub…”

This was a turning point for us both.

Sometimes we are pushed hard by the limits of our very existence. Sometimes we are challenged by the very foundations of all that we hold dear and true. But look inside yourself… look past that darkness.

What price dignity?

What price humanity?

How drunk is too drunk?

And finally, what kind of perversion is an all day breakfast pizza*…?

Honestly, I’d rather sh!t myself.

* Researched and developed by @bdj101

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