May 12th, 2011 at 9:25 pm by Stupid Rubbish

Hospitals f*ck me off in so many varied and offensive ways that it’s almost impossible to make sense of the raging cloud of hot piss that fills my mind any and every time I need to go near one.

I f*cking hate the places.

Full of tiny transparent elderly people and massive-arsed nurses, dark corridors and posters that are so dull and so beige and sterile that they make me want to physically hurt myself just for the sport. They sell sh!t food and always stink of the same gag-reflex cleaning fluid that they used my infant school and it just makes me remember that time I got bollocked for throwing up into a drinks fountain.

f*cking awful places.

Hospital radio is sh!t.

Hospital carpet is brown.

Hate.

And what’s worse is that no matter WHAT f*cking time you arrive for any kind of appointment, you end up waiting around like a f*cking frightened pervert until bastard ages after the appointment time.

So imagine f*cking delight when I discovered that I have to go and have things pushed into me and slapped against my actual self and sucked out of me for tests.

f*cking great.

I do hope I will get the chance to be manhandled by a cold-handed bored man with a blank clipboard and a barely concealed erection the size and shape of an acorn.

What ever happened to the good old days where if you blacked out with a nosebleed twice in a week someone just poured you a stiff drink and offered you an unfiltered cigarette, before encouraging you to just get on with things?

We’ve all gone cripplingly soft!

We’re all pathetic minded babies and we need to toughen up!

Please don’t let them put a pipe up my pipe.

*crosses fingers*

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