July 25th, 2011 at 11:40 am by Stupid Rubbish

What exactly is the f*cking point of fingernails?

It’s not like they are usable as CLAW WEAPONS because they just break or snap or do that weird thing when they get a dark bruise under them because they got slightly bumped. You can’t properly use them as a screwdriver – believe me, every man has tried – because all that happens is they twist into a pathetic ragged little tw@t.

Fingernails are f*cking sh!t.

At their very pampered best, on women, they can look feminine and sexy – assuming they’ve been coloured in properly and falsely and painstakingly filed into a nice pleasing shape. But even then, they are susceptible to constant sh!tty cracking and breaking and general hand-based disaster.

If the colours are done wrong or left to wear off a bit so that they look like tiny weatherbeaten gravestones, then they just make their owner look like a completely dirty GUTTER SLUG who gives below average handjobs in a piss ridden bus shelter. For a tenner.

But it’s worse for men.

On men the fingernail is an entirely wasted evolutionary strand of flimsy NATUREf*ck Because the bottom line is that we are UTTER sh!t at actually doing anything that involves bodily maintenance and we have almost no concept of bathrooms, towels or hot water.

Cutting your nails is tediously boring and simply results in a sh!tload of ugly nail clippings being fired carelessly into an inappropriate place and left there. Or even worse that thing where you cut your nail too short and it doesn’t hurt at first, but then about twenty minutes later and for a full 24 hours thereafter it’s the most sensitive TOSSf*ck THROBBER in existence for no obvious reason.

Biting them isn’t any better, because it’s repugnantly foul and you run the risk of doing that other thing where you end up with a loose bit of nail limply attached by just a tiny bit of skin in the corner. And when you pull it, this peels a strip of YOU off from the nail itself all the way up the side of your finger like you are some kind of biological but bizarrely compliant human sellotape.

The fingernail is a complete and utter pointless tw@t.

It’s not like your fingers would wear down without them.

Although they come in handy for dealing with itchy bits they are, overall, just a pointless translucent receptacle for the most unimaginable and vomit inducing substances that exist, all helpfully collected stored with the EXACT part of your body that you most often put in or near your actual face’s mouth.

Genius.

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