A lot of steak.

This one is a real winner with the carnivores or any particularly crap vegetarianers.


1. Get some steak. Make sure it isn’t cheap sh!t for f*ck’s sake – this isn’t the third world.

2. Leave at room temperature and rub it sexually with olive oil and pepper. f*ck off with your salt.

3. Make a pan hot. If you are a pervert you could use a grill now, but if I’m honest – I’d rather you didn’t follow the rest of MY recipe if you intend to because frankly, you disgust me and I think you should leave.

4. Cook the steak a bit.

5. Only a bit, unless you like the taste of f*cking shoe.

6. Read four again. And five.

7. Don’t f*ck about with the steak, just cook it a couple of minutes both sides.

8. Your steak is now done, you can add salt to taste if you like.

9. Rest your steak a bit on a warm plate and put the pan juice on it.

10. f*ck off and eat it.

What could be simpler?