What is it with proximity?

You know that thing when you find yourself accidentally walking right towards the chin of someone that for one reason or another you feel you should somehow acknowledge in some irrelevant way?

You suddenly don’t quite know where you should look in case you somehow make a complete sweaty HORSE PIPE of yourself in front of them.

Your whole MASSIVE face suddenly feels too aware of itself and a bit like it’s temporarily gone into a wrong and unfamiliar shape like an ejaculating tortoise.

You don’t quite know what expression you are even pulling.

You don’t want to be pervertedly eager-headed and equally you don’t want to irrelevantly ignore them like a rude piss f*ck. But let’s be honest – you’re not even sure why you should be acknowledging them in the first place…

Because this isn’t the kind of thing that happens with people you actually know. Of course not – this is that f*cking ugly, bizarre and insane thing you only get with people you don’t even know very well in the first place.

It’s a f*cking sh!t-studded minefield of inner hate.

And the worst part of it is all is simply deciding on WHEN to do your pathetic, anal clenching facial acknowledgement.

What is the correct proximity…?

In order to manage the proximity so you can acknowledge them at the ‘right’ point, you begin using all kinds of frankly, f*ckING HEADMENTAL strategies.


“The absent minded walker” ~ where you have DEFINITELY SEEN THEM and you both know for certain that you have DEFINITELY SEEN THEM but you look about trying to appear to be some kind of absent-minded butterfly of a human being who is too busy ‘looking around’ to have noticed them.

“The serious faced looker” ~ this is where you massively and childishly and dramatically stare at something, usually a random fixed point of f*ck ALL as you pull a slightly puzzled or sometimes ‘cross’ face. This helpfully tells the other person that you have suddenly been caught in a very important bit of thinking and you need to work something out which will, amazingly, resolve itself EXACTLY at the point of acknowledgement.

“The stooping floor walker” ~ this is where you simply keep your head down and keep walking so that you look like a f*cking awkward teenager. It’s effective but it can be hard to then judge when to come out of it, leaving you with the possibility of then having to use one of the other strategies for another few agonising seconds if you peak early and shoot your emo-powered floor-load.

None of these things fool f*cking ANYONE.

We ALL know that it’s just playing for time because that stupid thing happens where we start over thinking the most simple f*cking things, yet we repeatedly do this DUMB sh!t anyway.

And it’s always with people we don’t have any real need to acknowledge but you just oddly feel that you should. Like some fat bloke you met for the first and only time about three days ago, or a pretty girl who works in a shop you sometimes go in, or the ugly woman who you think lives six doors down.

Who even f*cking CARES if you do that stupid nod and eyebrow raise thing with a sh!t eating grin from ten feet away instead of four?


And don’t even get me started on the f*cking IDIOT faces we pointlessly gurn and the BOLLOCK SHAPED mouth noises we stupidly vomit up like seagulls, all in the vain hopeful-faced HOPE that it comes out as a normal greeting.

We nod.

We FROWN nod.

We tilt our heads back with our eyebrows TOO f*ckING HIGH.

We do that f*cking one-fingered wave…


And all with the desperate stomach panic of someone who is STILL convinced they got the proximity slightly wrong and therefore didn’t properly acknowledgean utter random stranger that DOES NOT MATTER.

f*cking HELL.