Baby talk.

Why is it that an alarmingly huge majority of people talk to young children in such a stupid, stupid way?

It’s bad enough that kids know absolutely sh!t all of anything, and you need to explain, re-explain and generally lifewaste yourself senseless in order to make them do anything worthwhile whatsoever, but to act out the whole thing to an imaginary audience of pretend idiots is just utterly batsh!t insane.

Supermarket parents; why make such a big stupid pantomime announcement of everything you say to your baby toddler?

Why on earth imagine that anyone else is even vaguely interested?

It’s your little spud, just sort it’s crying face out yourself, quietly, or bizarrely put random grapes that you haven’t paid for yet inside it’s gob, as if you have special magical rights to just use the shop as a fridge on your way around.

I believe that at least some of this insanity stems from children’s TV, which is basically one long visual blast of completely sh!t mental illness involving all manner of deeply disturbing characters.

At what point did we suddenly decide, as a species, that the best thing to expose our whinging offspring to is basically terrible daytime horror in the guise of animated stories about stupid-shaped f*ckwits?


The point is, just stop talking to baby people like you’re on stage at Butlins and making a pathetic presentation to a registered f*cking imbecile.