A brilliant omelette you can share with all the family.

Ingredients: Eggs, butter, cheese, fresh parsley, salt & pepper.

1. Smash the sh!t out of the eggs into a bowl or a jug.

2. Pick out those bits of shell you just noticed.

3. Beatf*ck it into submission and add a tablespoon full of cold water. That will make it all fluffy and sexual. Add S&P.

4. Melt your butter into a pan, but pop some oil in first so that the butter doesn’t turn into sticky brown crystalline sh!t when you inevitably f*ck it up completely, like a clumsy pony.

5. When the pan is hot – put the eggs in it and stop panicking like a primary school baby. Stir the hell out of the middle bit a few times then LEAVE IT ALONE.

6. Now wobble it about so you know it’s not stuck to the metal like a disabled Frisbee.

7. The top bit should still be runny – add grated cheese and chopped fresh parsley.

8. Fold it it over neatly.

9. Lamely chase it around the pan trying to do number 8.

10. Get a bit cross.

11. Do number 8 a bit roughly.

12. Repair it so that it looks like you did number 8 ok.


Recipes You Can Make Yourself.


That stuff we are forever pushing into our fat heads to keep us alive.

There really is a great deal of utter bullsh!t spoken and written about food and fooding and I think it’s about time that we stopped listening to it a bit. Food is basically a legal mouth sex that you can happily do in a public place without being arrested or placed onto some kind of register.

Not only does good food have the power to make you fully erect in seconds, but it tastes brilliant inside you too and you can savor the utter tastef*ck out of it without having to share the inside of your head with anyone else at all.

Anyway; food…

Here’s a plethora of gob genii you can make yourself and share with people:





Salad days.

Sometimes a crispy healthy salad can be a fantastic meal.

Or even a dinner.

Here is an incredibly simple recipe that you can follow carefully in order to get the very most out of your special salad and yet, still thoroughly enjoy yourself and your eating like you do with real food.


Ingredients: Green.

1. f*ck off.

2. Eat normally.



Toast is very important and I think it’s about time you acknowledged this.

Here’s another recipe you can make yourself in your house’s kitchen:

Ingredients: Bread & fire.

1. First off, do this in a toaster because frankly, it’s not the f*cking middle ages.

2. Right, get your bread and put it in the toaster like a normal person.

3. Don’t f*ck about with the setting, put it on 7 and shut up.

4. When it pops out, put butter on the toast but DON’T MASH THE sh!t OUT OF THE BREAD YOU f*ckING PERVERT.

5. READ 4.

6. Put the buttery bread back on the toaster, balanced across the still hot top.

7. Let it go melty.

8. Spread it all nicely and then add the topping of your choice; jam, marmalade, bovril, jam or bovril.

Now put it on a plate and eat it, but for GOD’S SAKE make sure you already brewed tea, because only perverts and f*cking animals eat their toast cold.


A lot of steak.

This one is a real winner with the carnivores or any particularly crap vegetarianers.


1. Get some steak. Make sure it isn’t cheap sh!t for f*ck’s sake – this isn’t the third world.

2. Leave at room temperature and rub it sexually with olive oil and pepper. f*ck off with your salt.

3. Make a pan hot. If you are a pervert you could use a grill now, but if I’m honest – I’d rather you didn’t follow the rest of MY recipe if you intend to because frankly, you disgust me and I think you should leave.

4. Cook the steak a bit.

5. Only a bit, unless you like the taste of f*cking shoe.

6. Read four again. And five.

7. Don’t f*ck about with the steak, just cook it a couple of minutes both sides.

8. Your steak is now done, you can add salt to taste if you like.

9. Rest your steak a bit on a warm plate and put the pan juice on it.

10. f*ck off and eat it.

What could be simpler?