Dirty dancing.

I’m one of the most modest people who has ever lived. So when a beautiful and intelligent woman commissioned me to write a serious piece about something close to her face’s heart, because of my enormous natural talent,  I was, naturally, pleased, surprised and happy. Plus, aroused. Obviously.


We are gathered here today to use our hot, wet mouths greedily and hungrily against each other’s eager BRAINFACES and ears, in order to discuss the intellectual colossus that is contemporary dance.

I’m very excited about greedily pumping this article out of my cash hands.

So let’s be sensible about this.

Lets look holistically at the whole spectrum of dance and dancing before we make assumptions about things that we may not fully understand. Let’s not be too eager to dismiss things that engender our fragile, beautiful senses with a stirring insight into cultural, creative, cognitive experiences that can only serve to enrich our precious and passionate souls.

Let’s be properly sensitive.

And by this I mean let’s say that many, many women dancers are VERY hot and yet, everything else is basically complete and utter animal sh!t. Fact.

Moving on!

What we need to do now, after my science introduction, is look at all the different types of contemporary dance and get a bit of background into how they all fit together and what they actually are. It’d be far too easy to lump things into groups without properly respecting the nuances and the very subtle differences between them. Right?

So basically there are six types of dance.

1. Ballet Dancing
Dainty old fashioned sh!t and feathers. Hot women. Many gays.

2. Jazz Dancing
Sparkly bollocks. Utter sparkly bollocks. Some hats.

3. Pole Dancing
Completely f*cking hot. Toned women doing awesome things. Perfect.

4. Tap Dancing
Clicking f*ckwits. Roy Castle.

5. Weird Dancing
Basically Kate Bush blended with some emotionally retarded sick.

6. Everything else
f*cking irrelevant.

Right, brilliant. That’s that bit done, this going really well isn’t it?

So all that’s left really is the conclusion part where I think back, carefully, over my research and allow myself to fully conclude against you, until event last drop of my summary is completely spent.


Having thoroughly explored all the formats of contemporary dance that exist on the world, I feel kind of proud, tearful, slightly overwhelmed at how it’s changed my life. I mean, if people wearing spray-on clothing with faces like puzzled CLOWNWHORES whilst throwing themselves about like furiously erect peni, don’t warm your balls, you’re probably dead inside.

As they say on the stage: Go break your f*cking face!

The £nd.