Driving Miss Daisy.

I’ve got nothing against the elderly, nothing at all.

But what I do have something against is having my life enormously risked by a bizarre fig-like human strapped obliviously into the seat of a pointlessly under-powered, under-driven and horrendously dull motor car.

You know the ones I mean.

They look like tiny beige Yodas gripping the wheel like a f*cking duffle-coated CAR LOBSTER, hopefully looking about in case they somehow begin to manage to operate the vehicle with some remote hint of ability drawn in by blank-faced automotive osmosis.

They stop, without warning, at utterly irrelevant times to slowly do nothing at allwhilst in everybody else’s way. Always.

They reverse, very slowly, whilst looking directly forward, intermittently stopping to look accusingly or hopefully out of the side windows at any other human beings who happen to be present.

As if somehow shifting the crippling f*ckMASS of responsibility onto those who are simply observing the agonising spectacle, awaiting calamity.

They don’t understand any of the buttons on the dashboard and they park approximately four feet from the curb, unless they are parking in a clearly marked out space – in which case the park directly across the lines.

The gentleman variety almost always has a hat of some kind and a driving coator gloves. They cluelessly bimble up the middle lane of the motorway without even the slightest awareness of anything at all. Ever.

The lady version invariably has a small puff-cloud of white hair and glasses that make her look like an anxious bug, her head level with the dashboard, her road positioning equivalent to watching the progress of a sh!tfaced albatross gaffa-taped to a broken dumper truck. In rush hour.

They have absolutely to concept of the size of their tiny irrelevant cars, assuming from within that they are piloting the Exxon Valdez along the high street. Very very slowly.

Watching them, to me, is much like watching the first few minutes of ‘Casualty’, wondering how and when the awful accident might occur.

I’ve got absolutely nothing against the elderly, but Jesus CHRIST some of them are monumentally, terrifyingly sh!t drivers.