A brilliant omelette you can share with all the family.

Ingredients: Eggs, butter, cheese, fresh parsley, salt & pepper.

1. Smash the sh!t out of the eggs into a bowl or a jug.

2. Pick out those bits of shell you just noticed.

3. Beatf*ck it into submission and add a tablespoon full of cold water. That will make it all fluffy and sexual. Add S&P.

4. Melt your butter into a pan, but pop some oil in first so that the butter doesn’t turn into sticky brown crystalline sh!t when you inevitably f*ck it up completely, like a clumsy pony.

5. When the pan is hot – put the eggs in it and stop panicking like a primary school baby. Stir the hell out of the middle bit a few times then LEAVE IT ALONE.

6. Now wobble it about so you know it’s not stuck to the metal like a disabled Frisbee.

7. The top bit should still be runny – add grated cheese and chopped fresh parsley.

8. Fold it it over neatly.

9. Lamely chase it around the pan trying to do number 8.

10. Get a bit cross.

11. Do number 8 a bit roughly.

12. Repair it so that it looks like you did number 8 ok.