Other people’s teeth.

We all have teeth.

At least those of us that have teeth, have teeth, I suppose I should qualify that some people don’t have teeth at all, it’s just that I wanted to start this all simpleand build up to some clever stuff, you know?

Ok, for the sake of f*ck, let’s try again then.

Most people, apart from old people and babies, have some teeth.

Happy now?

How much time do we spend looking at other people’s teeth?

(Don’t answer).

The answer is quite a lot of time.

Because often we find our eyes irrelevantly exploring the faces of people that we are forced into contact with during our daily lives. Like shopkeepers, traffic wardens, librarians, vicars and of course shopkeepers.

We can’t look at their eyes ALL the time, because they would begin to think that we are utterly f*cking insane and likely to harm them or begin touching them inappropriately. Oh no, we need to browse their faces with our gaze in a way that looks effortless and really very normal.

But it’s hard, isn’t it?

Browsing faces.

Because much like drinking quietly, or not thinking about an inflatable COCK floating down a river,  we find it impossibly hard to do things when we make ourselves pointlessly aware of them.

So, face browsing, what are the rules?

Well, generally, you need to keep bringing your gaze back to the eyes whilst arbitrarily looking at assorted facial zones, also, occasionally stopping to look into the distance to ‘do a think’ or slightly upwards to ‘do a smile or a laugh’.

Importantly though, if you mis-time a ‘think’ or a ‘laugh’ you will f*ck this up completely and render yourself a bad mental.

Also, avoid staring at any part of the face that is wrong or broken.

A big spot, a tattoo of a tear, a lady’s accidental beard – ALL must be FULLY IGNORED otherwise risk locking your gaze onto them like a f*cking EAGLE.

That kind of sh!t is JUST as bad as pouring the whole conversation into their eyes, like a desperate murderer, once again, rendering yourself a bad mental.

So, teeth.

See how important teeth are now?

You can use them as a tiny sanctuary embedded in a face full of potential disaster. An enamel oasis, in a difficult facial desert. A hopeful gob.

But beware the teeth.

Because should they have anything on them or stuck between them you will DEFINITELY find yourself drawn to them for too long and you will definitely find yourself desperately licking or rubbing your OWN teeth in a kind of bizarre reflective sympathy of the mouth error.

It’s inevitable.

You talk to someone with a piece of something between their teeth and you’ll render yourself not only a complete gob staring mental but you’ll stand there scratching your bleeding incisors, with hot drool running down your tw@t-hand, as you WILL the rogue food fragment away.

It’s an unavoidable thing I think, much like that other thing.

The thing with the windows?

You know, whenever you need to communicate with another human being who is behind a window. You automatically choose not to raise your voice, not to shout so they can ACTUALLY HEAR YOU.

Oh, no…

You mouth the words completely silently so they can think you better.

We are all idiots, live with it.