People person.

People are f*cking everywhere aren’t they?

You can hardly leave your sweaty little burrow without bumping into, or being disturbed by the wandering sods.

Yet, despite all this practice at bumbling around, what exactly is it that keeps the overwhelmingly vast majority of the population utterly, utterly unable to function properly in any form of situation, without annoying the absolute massive horsef*ck out of me?

Why is it that ‘people’, after all these f*cking YEARS of civilisation, STILL think that doorways are a good place to pointlessly stand? How is it even possible to imagine that you are the ONLY f*ckER who wants to walk through the ONLY HOLE IN THE sh!tTING WALL?

The only excuse for loitering in a doorway, EVER, is for shelter during a massive immense earthquake. Fact.

And even then I have to say I’d much rather you f*ck OFF into the steaming rubble.

And another thing.

Exactly WHY is it impossible to walk down a high street now without being f*ckPESTERED in the THROAT about joining the f*cking AA or the RAC or having some fluffy jumpered and dreadlocked ANUS PIPE try and smile their way into your wallet to save a f*cking shrub or something?

If I wanted to be repeatedly bothered by irrelevantly grinning naive people with massive ideas, no life-experience and an ironic t-shirt, I would have gone for a pint and a sh!t sandwich at the f*cking student union bar.

Leave me alone.

And please can mums with pushchairs stop walking slowly, right next to each other, like a f*cking MOTHERCARE STEAMROLLER taking up the whole pavement? Thanks in advance.

And those blokes that sell newspapers, LEARN TO SAY A WORD PROPERLY you mouth-trumpeting imbecile, it’s not like you have a f*cking complicated scriptnow, is it?

And traffic wardens, f*ck off, nobody even thinks for a SECOND you are a Policeman, you look like a lesbian milkman with a stupid tiny computer strapped to your w@nking arm.

And crowds, f*ck off with your aimless milling. Jesus.

Is it just me that utterly HATES the whole concept of swarming around like a f*cking MASSIVE ANT in amongst all the sportwear, tilted caps and horribly horribly white trainers of the BRITISH LEAGUE OF ARGOS…?

Is it just me that thinks a normal Saturday at the shops hell-on-earth and that any form of Christmas shopping whatsoever is like hell-on-earth-but-you-now-have-to-EAT-YOUR-OWN-TEETH….?

Is it just me that thinks, in all honesty, that if I were facing the reality of a zombie Apocalypse I’d probably enjoy going to the shops MORE than I do now. That the milling, aimless, grunting f*cks would be only imperceptibly LESS ANNOYING than the live ones we have now?


At least I could smash the FACIAL sh!t out of the zombie Argos shoppers without reprisal.