The land of nod.

Unless you are a small baby or a sh!tfaced tramp, falling asleep in public is pretty f*cking undignified.

It kind of singles you out as a gormless tw@t – not so much because you have actually fallen asleep – no, it’s much more the process of falling asleep and that pathetic battle we fight that makes us look so f*cking terminally dumb.

Firstly we do that thing where we feel all warm and our eyes go heavy and we instantly realise that we could sleep if we let it happen. We tell ourselves it’s not an appropriate time and we sit up and we try to focus.

Secondly we do that thing where we try to tell ourselves that we could just close our eyes for, say, ten seconds… and somehow we bizarrely pretend that will be alright or that it will help us become a bit less tired, like a little sleep to keep us going or something equally bollocks.

We know FULL WELL what it will do.

The final phase is that f*cking STUPID head nodding thing. Where the sudden action of your head lolling forward like a poisoned giraffe wakes you up for just long enough to realise that you are a total PUBLIC c*nt and sit back upright – before you immediately begin telling yourself the exact same lies from phase two in the belief that it might just irrelevantly ‘be fine’ this time, as you drift back.

It’s a cycle of utter f*ckwittery.

Once you’re in the cycle, you are trapped, endlessly nodding and then jerking yourself upright repeatedly like some kind of startled tw@t of a human daffodil caught in a breeze. It’s utterly, tragically pathetic – unless of course you are observing someone else doing it, then it’s utterly f*cking hilarious.

The only thing that can really break it is if you let yourself go fully to sleep.

The downside of this being that you will definitely snore, definitely drool and almost certainly begin lazily sleep-w@nking yourself like a grinding tosser before a particularly big pothole or a sufficiently loud railway announcer rudely awakens you to a carriage full of embarrassment and sexual guilt.

Best bet in this situation is to get off at the next stop, finish yourself off furiously in a hedge, then walk home with your head held high like a nodding w@nker.